Take two, Al Anon.I dragged myself to the meeting in the Methodist church, arriving promptly on time but not early for 6:30 meeting that in fact started at 6:00. Stepping into a packed room full of a half finished conversation I felt like like an impostor. I made my way to an empty piano bench and started listening, already wondering how to say "pass" without seeming rude.
The meeting topic was resentment, but it took me a moment to figure this out. I heard the first woman speak, and as her anecdote unfolded I warmed up. Surprisingly, I could relate. She spoke about something recent that made her feel resentful, and generalized out to what often triggered her. Southern twanged, middle aged, and bleach blond...we were not so different.
A few people down the line and I've started hearing slogans I'm familiar with. 'HALT' and the serenity prayer were mentioned and I almost cried--to realize that there were other people--NORMAL people, attractive and young people who thought to themselves 'calm down, okay, when's the last time you ate? are you angry? maybe you're just lonely, who can you call? did you get enough sleep last night?'. This was monumental. Maybe, after all, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm not entirely dysfunctional. Maybe in a certain way, I'm actually normal, and having struggles that lots of people have and seek help for.
As the topic worked it's way around the room I wracked my brain for the resentment I was holding. Of course my one dimensional brain went straight to Alex. Yesterday was his birthday and the whole day I'd felt ruined. Sure, I'm probably hormonal and have a lot that is worthy of stressing out over right now aside, but it seemed particularly hard. I'd started planning his birthday in June, and I was so disappointed to not even be near him for it. I was sad about this, definitely, but did I resent him for it?
I'm trying hard, with this break up, to feel anger, and I'm unsure where it is that anger and resentment divide. I am pissed at him for dumping me, but I don't think I resent him for it.
The resentment bug hopped around the room from mouth to mouth and finally struck a man who said something so relevant that I've been repeating it over and over in my head so that I don't lose it.
"It's more important to understand, than to be understood"
This was revelatory. Suddenly my and Alex's relationship became so much clearer to me. For years I've been trying to push my agenda onto him, thinking that if he only understood me that we'd work. To his credit, I think he's come a long long way in understanding me (at least sometimes), but that hasn't actually helped me at all. I'm still here, thousands of miles away from him, broken hearted and wondering who he's sleeping with now. I do think I've been getting better at trying to see things from his perspective, to hear him when he speaks, but even now thinking about this, I realize that have yet to shut the fuck up with him. I'm always waiting for my opportunity to give advice, waiting for him to ask me what I think, what I want, waiting waiting waiting instead of just listening. I'm afraid of being walked all over, I can see that, but helplessly and mercilessly grabbing for my ever escaping control has never helped in that way. I was never any less walked on just because I wanted to be in charge of where his feet were at the time. I was never any less hurt by it--which I can say I honestly thought that I would, in fact, be unscathed if only I controlled it. "Let go and let god" is not a slogan I feel particularly helped by or that I can particularly relate to, but something along those lines has got to sink in.
I'm proud of myself. If only for right now.
This was revelatory. Suddenly my and Alex's relationship became so much clearer to me. For years I've been trying to push my agenda onto him, thinking that if he only understood me that we'd work. To his credit, I think he's come a long long way in understanding me (at least sometimes), but that hasn't actually helped me at all. I'm still here, thousands of miles away from him, broken hearted and wondering who he's sleeping with now. I do think I've been getting better at trying to see things from his perspective, to hear him when he speaks, but even now thinking about this, I realize that have yet to shut the fuck up with him. I'm always waiting for my opportunity to give advice, waiting for him to ask me what I think, what I want, waiting waiting waiting instead of just listening. I'm afraid of being walked all over, I can see that, but helplessly and mercilessly grabbing for my ever escaping control has never helped in that way. I was never any less walked on just because I wanted to be in charge of where his feet were at the time. I was never any less hurt by it--which I can say I honestly thought that I would, in fact, be unscathed if only I controlled it. "Let go and let god" is not a slogan I feel particularly helped by or that I can particularly relate to, but something along those lines has got to sink in.
I'm proud of myself. If only for right now.
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